I love the concept of ‘emotion coaching’ that John Gottman often uses about parenting. Gottman, sense he describes the most basic characteristic of a parent as being aware of their child's feelings and responding to these feelings. At the point where we accept that all kinds of emotions are a fact of life, it is not to conflict with our child, but to be able to establish a closer relationship. Gottman also describes the moments when children, such as Solter, Filliozat, and Ginott, engage in the most difficult behavior and experience the most intense emotions, as the moments when they most need their parents. Gottman divides parental attitudes in children's processes of gaining awareness of their own emotions into 4 groups and details these parental attitudes with an example. You can also review your own parental posture through subtypes. Let's think of a kid who says he doesn't want to go to school. Let's see how these 4 different parental attitudes will manage this process...
It's parents who don't take emotion into account. They ignore children's especially intense emotions and consider them insignificant. (“You're being ridiculous! You have no reason not to go to school!'he could have made such statements and then offered his child a reward to distract the child.)
They are parents who disapprove of emotions, criticize intense emotions, punish. (“I'm sick of this mess! Immediately go to your room!"he could scold his child with such rhetoric and threaten that he would be punished if he did not immediately give up this behavior.)
They are overly tolerant parents, and they think of it as being conscious parents. They accept their children's feelings, but are unable to guide and limit inappropriate behavior. ("I know you want to stay home. It's very natural,” he said, depicting the feelings of his offspring, perhaps even an actor's attitude to soften the resistance. But this entire process remains that main focus, and most likely, similar processes will occur over and over again.)
In Gottman's proposed emotion coach parenting model, parents are people who pay attention to their children's feelings, strive to empathize with them, mirror their child's intense feelings, and offer guidance on how to approach their child's restless feelings. For the crisis in this example, there would probably be a dialog like this:
Parent: Come on, girl, let's get our coats on. It's time to go.
Child: No! I'm not going!
Child: I want to stay home with you!
Parent: I guess I understand how you feel. Some days, instead of leaving the house, I want to play games with you all day, paint with you. And you wish you could spend the day with me. But I have a meeting with the office, and I promised them I'd be there.
Child: (maybe crying) this isn't fair! I don't want to go!
Parent: (hugs, looking at ' em taking the child on your lap if possible), my daughter come. I'm sorry we can't stay home today. Does this disappoint you?
Parent: I think it makes a little sad.
Parent: (continuing contact) I'm sorry, too. Let us look at what. Let's think about tomorrow. Tomorrow's the weekend, and I'm not going to work, and you're going to school. We can spend the whole day together. Anything special you want to do tomorrow?
Child: Shall we make a cake?
Parent: Awesome idea! What else?
Child: Can we go to the park?
Parent: I think we can do all this...
In a nutshell, the emotion coach parent recognized, defined, and allowed their child to experience that emotion and develop the capacity to stay with it. He accompanied her when her child was in intense emotions and sensations. He did not distract attention from emotions, but rather opened space to his emotions and approved. It helped the child solve the problem by setting the framework quite clearly.
Gotmann reveals through research that children who receive consistent guidance from their parents on emotions are healthier, more successful, resilient and resilient (disgraceful). Using this method, of course, does not prevent all conflicts within the family. Because conflict is a fact of family life. But when we guide children's feelings, our chances of getting close to them increase, of being in a deeper, more respectful and intimate relationship. As the emotional bond between children and their parents develops, the words of their parents begin to matter decidedly to their children.
Source: Raising Children With High Emotional Intelligence, John Gottman.
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